I couldn’t make it through “Star Trek: Into Darkness”.

I’m not saying that I’m a huge, nitpicky Star Trek fan (at least not anymore). I haven’t regularly watched Trek since the end of the first season of Voyager (it got weird to me), and I’ve been pretty disappointed with all of the TNG movies.

Just... no.

Just… no.

The 2009 reboot got to me, though. While it took characters that I grew up with and intensified their personalities/abilities (almost too much so – I’m looking at you, Chekov), it was a solid action story that got the job done. J.J. Abrams is a brilliant action director, the cast was solid and did their jobs well, and the score – the score was amazing. I can listen to that one song over and over again.

I saw the reboot in theaters three times. I was that enamored.

When I heard that a sequel was in pre-production, however, I was less than thrilled about it. I fully expected it to be nothing but more of the same from the first film: the characters learning to work together, some minor character drama, and fighting some big threat, probably Khan or Klingons. It didn’t hold my interest, the trailer was kind of boring, and I put the movie on the backburner until just a few days ago.

My boyfriend wanted to watch something on Netflix during his day off, so I shrugged and said “Sure, what’cha feel like?”; he popped on Star Trek Into Darkness. I must have made a face since he almost immediately said “We don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to…”, but I assured him that it was okay, and that I’d give it a chance.

I can be very subtle with my facial expressions.

I couldn’t help myself. It wasn’t until he paused the film at about the 35 minute mark and said “we don’t have to keep watching this if you don’t want to” that I realized that I’d spent the majority of our movie-watching session being a snarky bitch. Comments included:

“Wait, Spock is worrying about violating the Prime Directive while he’s in the middle of violating the Prime Directive?”

“Why are Kirk and Spock still fighting like this is Star Trek 2009? Didn’t they resolve this character arc already? Shouldn’t he be used to Spock’s mannerisms by this point?”

“[referring to Khan] Haha, who’s this creepy dude? Where did he even come from, and why should I care? Why is the father immediately believing that he can save the daughter? Why doesn’t he just give the ring over to someone in command and say “hey I was blackmailed into doing this, please put my daughter in protective custody” or something? This is convoluted.”

“Why is Chekov in engineering? That’s not even his post: he’s a helmsman and can work at the science station if Spock isn’t around. You need to be qualified to oversee engineering, this is fucking ridiculous-“

It was about here that he got the message that I wasn’t enjoying myself, and I got the message that I can be an asshole if given the opportunity. We decided to call a spade a spade and switch to something less controversial, like Jim Sterling.

I’m going to make an attempt, in the future, to just shut up during films – or, at the very least, be slightly less of a jerk.

So, tell me: are there any movies that you just can’t stand? Movies that bring out your inner snark? Movies that you can’t help but comment on? Let me know below.


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